for those whose hearts I am breaking

Dear Kuyung and Rideung,

I know you are still mad at me because I broke a promise, couple day ago not going to 3030 with you. I know it hurt you. I don't know how- how to say a proper sorry. I know saying sorry is not enough. Everything is not going to puff and then gone right after I say sorry. Maybe time heals. Maybe I should wait for some days and yeah, to meet you. I have no guts to go to you now. I know I can't fix it. I want to look for the way to heal your broken hearts. I feel so horrible :'(

Dear Rideung, your tweets are somehow making me sad, too. It's very bad. Your thoughts, to me.

1. "Lord has shown me your true color"
2. "You're waving a war flag. Please welcome"
3. "Remember to put a PAUSE. Are we bored or something?"
4. "You are boring"
5.  "Aku tahu kamu boong dan senyuman palsu itu kau hadirkan untukku. Aku jadi mikir, selama ini apa sih aku di mata kamu?"
6. "Jujur aja, mungkin takkan kayak gini. Jujur aja, mungkin takkan terpikir untuk membenci. Jujur aja, mungkin aku bisa memaklumi"
7. "You are very innocent. No it's a damn lie that I've ever written in my entire life"
8.  "Now, I'm showing you, how your lie bothers me a lot. I've complained. I'm almost angry but I love you"
9.  "I'll always stay here. Even, when you stray around"
10.  "Jujurlah nanti. Makasih. Sekian"
11.  "Mereun aya nu teu nyaah ka abi. Nganyenyeri ka abi. Dihampura ku abi da heartless jigana mah. Sakitu. Hahaha

You didn't mention me but I feel like it's for me. So I try to answer these no-mention tweets too.

1.  What's my true color? it's about bad things? Am I that bad in your eyes?
2.  Is this tweet for me? Then, war? What do you mean by war? You feel like I attack you? I want to kill you? I fight you?
3. What's pause ? Why do you guys think that you are bored? bored or boring ?
4. I am
5. Boong ? What's another thing you think about me? and I didn't make a fake smile. Well, I hate myself for smiling that time. You may know I love to smile, like, I  put wrong face emotion in wrong situation. I shouldn't smile I know but I smile, but it didn't mean I'm happy or really smiling, you should know that, that smile is I don't know why I was smiling. If I could make a proper emotion, I wouldn't smile seriously. What are you in my eyes? You're Rideung. My best friend.
6. You hate me. Well, I am sorry to make you hate me. What's honesty that you want to hear? What do you actually expect?
7. If I could, not to be innocent, I would. If I could be a good friend I would. I'd love to be that kind of person who cares to you, who loves you.  Show my affection. But I'm not that type of person who likes to show affection to others. Do sweet things. I can't. I like to tease, do annoying things, akting muka jahat (this is the reason why I like to akting muka jahat because I don’t want to smile, like I love to smile everytime. I want to fix my face emotion.
8. Lie ? What's lie do you mean? tell me
9. If you want to stray, please do so. Why should you stay if we can stray together? It is fun making friends with many people. Andri, Abang, Martan, Sakti, and everyone who you think now I'm choose to be with rather than with you, they are your friends too. If I'm khilaf because I laugh with them a lot than with you, it doesn't mean that you are boring then I choose to play with them. It doesn't mean I want to leave you. Does it feel like I rat you guys ? I am sorry. It's hard times. I don't know too what I should do. I'm not that good to be wise in order to solve this problem.
10. I tell it like it is
11. Engga ngerti artinya.

Dear Kuyung and Rideung, thank you for your time when nobody's there for me. Thank you for the laugh and the talk, I love our midnight talk very much. I love how you guys can make me tell something that I wouldn't tell to anybody else. I love our heart-to-heart session without having to be awkward about it, example talking about why do we always jomblo??? Hahaha nobody knows.  Also about our unhappiness and complaint toward each other, and even positive things inside us. I like the last one, hoho. I love talking and sharing something personal with you all cause you always have something good to say, something more than the typical "Sabar ya", something that makes sense, something that I need to hear.

And I'd love to have some more, more days to spend with you all. I'd like to know why the things are being so complicated right now. What makes you mad and the others thing that I might miss? You too, some time you broke your promises. You said you'll go out with me, but then you didn't want to go. I'm not that mad. Well, maybe my case is bigger so you deserve to be mad. I’m not a sensitive person. I’m sorry for being that kind of person.

Dear Kuyung and Rideung, you are the ones who help me growing up, the ones who help me realizing every little things I can't be aware of, the ones who slap my face and make me realize something I can't realize both good and bad things, hit my heart and fit it in the same time, the ones who help me opening my heart until I can have my story back, even tho it's way too late but I enjoy that very short moment with him and thank God I still can manage to be his best friend like I used to be. Haha YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN. I like how I always make you laugh every time I said "aku selingkuhannya" and "tapi kan aku pihak ke nol". Itu ngenes banget tapi kusuka ternyata bisa bikin kita ketawa. The ones who give me birthday present every 26 October. I remember how alone I was in my 19th birthday. Nobody come to me. Suddenly you all guys came and brought me a present; it was a glass with our photos. Thank you. 

Dear Kuyung and Rideung, I know sorry is an easy thing to say. If you ask me to prove that I regret my mistakes, I’m sorry I don’t know how to do it, but if you ask do I mean it ? Yes, I do. Well, I think probably I’ll hurt you again and you'll probably think I'm not regret it, because I'll do some mistakes again. I still want to be friends with others too, going out with Andri and friends, and other friends. Tell me, how should I do it, without hurting you everytime I go with my other friends, so I can manage it. I’m full of mistakes, I’m not that good person, I often khilaf and often not realize it. If I do so, do you still want to be my friends? I seriously don’t think I’ll leave you. i'm very much thankful to have you as my bestfriends.

Aku sadar satu hal, aku belom jadi temen yang baik, but I'll try to be that. Bagusnya itu, gimana caranya kita menciptakan "saling" dalam lingkaran pertemanan kita. Saling ngerti, saling memahami, saling satu sama lain, bukan cuma satu aja yang berusaha, tapi semuanya. Dan aku juga, lagi berusaha. Satu hal lagi, engga perlulah aku bilang aku sayang kalian ato engga, kalau aku bilang sayang kalian percaya? Aku bukan tipe orang yang suka bilang sayang. Sok nilai sendiri aku sayang apa engga. Kalo misalkan menurut kalian enggak, aku minta maaf. Haha, maaf aku bilang maaf, sekali lagi. Semoga diterima!

With all of my heart,

Momo