UTS

Bakalan sering nongkrong di Kalibata City... dan itu uts-nya paper semua dan take home, cuma satu yang ujian tulis dan udah selesai tadi pagi. Ada waktu dua minggu buat ngerjain! Seize the day.. biar cepet selesai biar bisa pulaaang hahahahahaha mayan weey dua minggu weey masak cuma buat ngerjain UTS, kasian amat *YA ITU ELU KALI MO!* 

Magnifying the Universe

I found this on http://brainz.org/universe-magnified/. It's super cool! ~~~~ 
Milky Way is not that big as compared to the whole universe. Me? It's smaller than a dot, a way much smaller! I believe other living things are exist not only on Earth. I believe we're 'aliens' for other 'humans'. Heaven and hell maybe lay there, within the universe. Super salute to them who made it! Have fun to observe how small you are.

A Night Nut

Dan ternyata aku nulis kebanyakan cuma pas lagi hati gundah gulana aja. Pas hati lagi suka cita aku biarkan begitu aja, berakhir disenyuman sebelum tidur. Harusnya pas lagi bahagia aku harus langsung nulis disini ..biar gak lupa. Kenapa ya kesedihan itu lebih nempel lama dan mendominasi daripada kebahagiaan? Lebih dipikir terus-terusan. Kalo bahagia, ya udah seneng gitu, tanpa dipikir panjang lagi, terus jadi GR. Apa yang kita pikirkan saat bahagia kadang terbantahkan ketika kita kesel dan sedih. Contohnya, pas lagi di-pdkt-in senengnya minta ampun, terus pas di-php-in, ngutuk-ngutuk. Gak inget apa pas dulu bahagia? Ya karena ketika bahagia, kadang kita menyampingkan logika. Tapi pas sebaliknya, kita terlalu berlogika.

Sama kayak inget Tuhan. Pas lagi bahagia, sholatnya asal aja, dan lupa doa. Pas lagi dirundung nestapa, sujudnya dilamain, doanya panjang, sambil geter, nuntut ini itu. Mungkin aku sedang berbahagia, hingga ga sempet bercerita tentang kebahagiaan itu. Ya aku memang sedang berbahagia, karena aku belom sholat isya tengah malem gini. Oh, ampuni aku ya Allah.

Atau mungkin karena efek Freud masa lalu?

Find a Happiness

My lecturer in Pancasila class came up with a question before he started the class. What made you happy during this week? Please share your happiness. Boom! I activated my brain and did think what made me happy in previous week. But still I couldn't find any happiness..... Each of us shared our happiness. Ein said that she's happy because she's gonna have two niece in a row. Desri said she got an invitation to watch Iron Man 3 with someone important *I forget who*. Some of the boys said because Barca has lost the match. I said because I could sholat subuh at 5am which is a total lie. The part that I sholat subuh at 5am was true, but I didn't intend to make it as a happiness to be shared. I was just babbling so that I could pass my turn. The fact is, no happiness during the week. My life is just so-so as usual. Hmm

My atm is gone with the wind, I don't know where it is. I can't withdraw my money. My assignments are........ *die* Must write 1000 words for CIELT, 2000 words for Pancasila course and 1000 words for different essay, reaction paper toward an article in TEFL 3, and others I don't remember. None of them has been done. Well, can I find a happiness within this fucking damn week? Counting days of going home after mid-test in second week of may, maybe. I can't be more excited than this.. isn't it wonderful, huh? Going home :)

Ah, I'm happy to be the part of Section C ;')
They are crazy! The chats in whatsapp group make my day!!!! *ngakak guling-guling*

Well, hope I'll find a happiness to be shared in a week ahead. Bye! Gotta go to read and make notes for tomorrow test *wink*

The problem is in me

I thought that I'm smart. Then I realize that I'm not as smart as I though. I have been working on it for so long since I was in the elementary school. I was forced to be the best which I always didn't want to. It made me become a rebellious daughter. I was placed into  the most favorite schools in town even since I was in the kindergarten. Sometimes I was frustrated because it was hard to survive. I just kept thinking that I'm not stupid.  My parents always wanted me to get the best score in math and science in my previous study. It was painful to get such burden and the reality was not smooth. I got bad score, my parents got angry, my teachers underestimated me. I could do better in other subjects but they didn't believe it because I had bad scores in math. I remember my dad said that I have a weakness in logic and seemed that he's upset with that. It made me underestimate myself because I know that I couldn't do math and people around me thought that who can't do math is stupid. I trapped such in a wrong paradigm, but now I know that it's totally wrong.

But suddenly right now I become demotivated and underestimate my own self *again*.  I feel soooooo stupid, sorry my brain I disrespect you. I think people are right. I'm not as smart as them, I know right. It's not in the way I do math and sort of, I'm done with it! but more because I'm childish. My speaking is messy, I can't communicate what I actually want to communicate. People are so amazing, some of them speaking like a mbak-mbak-SPG, so fluent and carry much conviction. But me, I'm like a toddler who try to learn speaking. A bit too dramatic, but that's I think people look at me. Unconvincing and funny. I wish I could speak inspiration someday. 

I should work harder to prove that I deserve to be called as smart. I have brain and it works well except on math and science. But I don't use it wisely. I waste my opportunity. I chose laziness over hard work.. and so other things that make me less motivated. 

Other things such as my bad habit, my behaviour, my examination, my love-life.
I'm open to a free puk-puk right now. Need friends, and my mobile phone is off. I like to have chats with my old friends there in line or whatsapp huuhuu *pukpuk*

Malam Ini

"Jauh malam hampirkan siang. Mataku tidak hendak melayang. Di ruang mata adik terbayang. Hati dan jantung rasa bergoyang"

— Marah Rusli

Apa Banget

Hai hai hai, sebentar lagi tanggal 24. Hari saya harus menghadap laut selatan. Jadi ceritanya saya dicalonkan sama anak sekelas buat jadi Kartini, ya apalah itu macam abnon. Sebenernya, dalam lubuk hati terdalam juga raut muka terluar, saya nggak mau ikut yang beginian. Buat apa? Apalagi saya dicalonkan untuk pemuas nafsu teman-teman sekelas terutama buat si Kris. Saya gak mau jadi bahan ketawaan, saya ini suka nerves, udah gitu gak pandai bicara depan orang, mana kayak anak kecil pula. Kenapa harus saya? Padahal banyak dikelas yang lebih jos gojos kalo kata Trisky. Contohnya Icha, master dalam segala bidang yang matanya bisa sipit sebelah tiap dia memberondong dosen sama pertanyaannya. Atau Tante Desri, she's smart enough, atau Ein, atau Gona. Mereka pinter beraksi depan umum. 

Saya? Ciut nyali. Serius! Berasa seluruh tulang habis dipresto. Lunak. Lemes duluan. Saya buka tipe orang yang suka tampil didepan. Saya adalah kabel-kabel dibelakang layar. Dari mulai pembuat cerita, penerjemah cahaya, hingga pengankut barang. Bisa jadi saya punya fobia muncul didepan banyak orang, lebih-lebih jadi center of attention. Mungkin saya punya trauma tersendiri untuk alasan ini. Entah kenapa, ada rasa sakit hati tiap saya harus maju kedepan T______T

Agak sedikit lebay, tapi serius. I'm just thinking that a person like me join this kind of event? WHAT? Saya juga heran. Setelah diujuk-ujuk buat ikut (padahal kata Martan itu cuma bercandaan).. saya kira juga bercandaan. Tapi kok sampai detik terakhir gak ada anak kelas yang daftar. Saya yang GR waktu itu berpikir kalau mereka mengharap saya maju, jadi kalau gak maju saya takut mengecewakan mereka. Itu aja sih konsiderasinya. Ya udah sih, kali-kali.. Tapi semakin kesini kok yaaaa.. INI BUKAN SEKADAR KALI-KALI!!!! Aaaaaakkkkkkk.. buatukmu iku mo mo!

Ah sial, tapi nama sudah masuk dalam daftar peserta sayembara. Mungkin besok saya akan bua deklarasi ke temen-temen sekelas, temen-temen sma yang sudah dengan naasnya melihat foto saya terpampang jelas yang menghebohkan dunia persilatan, temen-temen lain yang juga ikut mendoakan ....maaf kalau saya mengecewakan.

I'll try to enjoy it. Please wish me all the luck you can ever wish for.... to keep me alive. A bit too dramatic, but yes it is.

A Checkmate

No mater how many times I deny, if you can find me, and hit my empty space that I try to hide, I'll never can move. Your bullet will lock me.

A Period and an Enter

I've been like an anti-social pretty much lately. I don't know what my friends were talking about in twitter, whatsapp, and line. I didn't attend cohort meeting to discuss our student loan system which now it becomes a way too complicated. I'm currently struggling to find a topic for my thesis. My seniors said that we should convince ourself from the very beginning about the topic so it won't be rejected in the middle of the journey. It has been an issue among my seniors because many of them should changed the topic.
No I don't wanna be like them. 

But..how can I get through if I'm not really sure at the starting point?

I came upon a thought few hours ago about dream (after my mom called me and asked me what I'll become after I graduate). It has been almost three years I leave home to pursue my undergraduate degree in this bitchy city. I've been meeting many new inspiring people and exploring many new places. It's not such a wow thing since I come from a rural area in east java. Our standard of life maybe different.. but I'll keep going. Then, where did my dreams go? is it fade away? or did I reach it? I'm not sure (dammit my life is full of uncertainty)

I bought my Nikon last year. It's one of my biggest dreams having a DSLR camera with my own money. I spent one and a half year suffering from saving money. They just come and go and mostly go without income. One checklist and that's so far my reached dream. Where are the others? I haven't go abroad :D I haven't try to submit paper for international conference. I don't take much photos either. My love life is in a waiting period. Self pity. My friends love to tease me about that. Oh, I should find a boyfriend soon and shut their mouth off.

Well, I write some stories and just sent it these past few days. I haven't get any notification yet but I'll keep going. I'm in the mode of 'build up my mood to spread my wings'. I'll go exploring new places, enjoying doing thesis, working, volunteering, joining some conferences, having good time with friends, meeting more new people, and being good friends with them.
AND GO ABROAD. ANYWHERE. GET LOST.

Hopefully good luck will linger around me this time.
and you too! <3

xoxo

F

Mungkin kita harus coba mencetak spasi yang cukup panjang. Hingga namamu dan namaku tidak saling berdekatan. Agar kita sadar suatu saat masing-masing dari kita akan menghilang. Lalu, jika ada yang ingin kau ceritakan, lebih baik sekarang. Jika kita nanti menjadi cerita, aku berharap tak ada yang menyesal untuk tidak saling berucap hari ini.

Karena,

aku akan mencetak spasi, hingga namaku tak kelihatan lagi.

*bulatan hijau sepenuhnya mati*

I get one answer of my questions.

Kalo lo punya temen, dia salah, lo tegur, lo ingetin, kalo perlu lo tonjok, tapi jangan sampe lo tinggalin dia tanpa tau salahnya dimana -anonim- nyomot dari facebooknya temennya temen

When your friends are wrong, warn them.. tell them that they are wrong. If necessary, hit them. But never leave them without they know their mistakes. 

 

THE CRACK

It is when the uneasy things and awkward moment happen in the same breath. I can't look at their eyes. No smiles cause the humor feels so dry. I think the problems are on them, but it's unfair to blame others. I over think it and can never get the point.

Heart Boom

Not about love, not about crush. I can't get my safety pin for this heart. I hate my best friend. I hate her. Her head fulls of negative thinking about me. Like, everything. She's over sensitive whenever I say something about her. I think, she thinks that I mock her. Then, she mocks me back, like seriously. Bitch please, you know kidding? Friends love to joke around about their friends. Now, I feel like you take it serious. I can't help it.. It hurts me more.

Then, if I hurt you because all my shit joking, then.. just let me ignore you. I feel like I can't communicate with her anymore. It likes every time I say something to her, she feels bitter. So, lemme just keep quite.I've talked about this to her and she said nothing happens. There's truly something wrong.. I can feel it. But you won't tell me? Instead of speak out, you wrote in your twitter that implicitly you were indeed having problem with me. What do you want? You don't want to be criticized?  Fine.

Oh, please. I just wanna make you realize about your attitude. Not about immaturity or stuff but your way of thinking. Those negative boxes, can you expel it out from your brain?

Sorry for being harsh in case you read it.
I have no intention to hurt you. Yes, sometimes I scold you down but that doesn't mean I hate you. I just wanna be what a friend should do. Friends should remain each other about their mistakes and make them to be better one. Therefore, I'm very open to receive your complain and comment and advice as long as you watch your mouth and together we try to be better.

I just hate a big-mouthed people, they comment others but themselves won't to be commented.. they complain but their attitudes are worse and the worse they feel they are much better than everyone but actually they are even worse.

Maybe it's you

Maybe it's not you who I miss.. maybe it's your kind behavior. I miss how your attitude warm me inside. Give happiness afterward and never regret knowing a person like you. Maybe it's not you who I want to meet.. maybe it's another person that has similar behavior like you. Maybe, I'm not into you.. because maybe I'm just falling in love with your behavior that I hardly found in other people around me.. 

..or maybe I'm totally into you that I deny everything about you..

maybe because I can't be yours and you can't be mine.

1.062 MB/SECOND! HEAVEN!

1.062 MB/SECOND! HEAVEN!
sambil cari reading material buat skripsi, downloadan tetep jalan dong! HAHAHA
@wifi.id di Kalibata City (lately it's my most favorite place to play) uwaaa :D

Then, Who holds my happiness?